Swimming Through Treacle

Forgive me readers for I have sinned, its been 12 days since my last post.

The idea of confession always appealed to me, although I am not Catholic and in fact have no religious leanings at all. But I have felt guilty that I have abandoned this blog for almost two weeks without a word to my readers. But the time has come to put that right in typical Breevok fashion

The title of today's post sums up my life through recent weeks and months. This is all aspects of my life, not just WoW. Everything I do is hard work - a struggle.

A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with depression, a diagnosis that was subsequently changed to an anxiety disorder. It's not life threatening in any way, but it is an inconvenience and one that have realised my fallabilities and foibles. In many ways I have did the typical male thing, stuck my head in the sand and told myself to "toughen up" but deep inside I knew that something wasn't quite right. Eventually I went to a doctor's and so the path of return began.

I don't do doctors. I am not a person who gets unwell, so don't see the point of visiting them. That's my perspective anyway and I'm sticking to it. But I went and the doctor was a reasonable chap, put me on some pills and sent me off for psychotherapy.

The pills were an interesting experience. Their job is to inhibit the uptake of serotonin, the brains happy hormone, to make everything feel better. Seemed to make sense at the time. However I had a slightly odd reaction to them.

In my youth I was a bit of a 'raver' - whistle, silly hat, the works. I was heavily into my house and trance, with some techno thrown in on the side. I was a dance child of the late 80s and early 90s and supported my penchant for clubbing with the old illegal drug or five.

Ecstasy was my drug of choice. Now ecstasy does many things, but one of these is the over production of serotonin, the brains happy hormone, to make everything feel better. I am sure you can see where this is going.

About two hours after my first pill from the doctor I was busily trying to find gum, digging out CDs that I havent listened to in 10 years. Cat had actually gone out that evening, so there I was at home dancing to tracks that I still consider anthems of the 20th Century. It was surreal.

I managed two days on the pills, but it quickly became very apparent that continuing to take them wasn't going to happen. I am 38 and cannot function for three months off my face. Appealing as the thought may be, I have a job that helps pay the mortgage that has to be kept.

So I've been limited to psycho therapy. I'm not the biggest fan of shrinks, but after half the sessions I have found the strength to pop up for air, and can see that I can work through this period of my life and come out the end intact and better able to cope.

______________________________

The cause of my anxiety disorder is where part of my therapy has been focused. This has meant looking across all aspects of my life - all of which have in some way resulted in where I was. I guess the best way to describe it is that everything contributed, and suddenly everything came into alignment and knocked me on my ass.

Work was the dominant cause - its been a shit of a year and although things have got better, there is no joy in my working life. I have always made a conscious effort not to talk too specifically about my work - you see stories all the time about people being pinged for slander from something typed on Facebook, Twitter or a blog. People lose their jobs all the time because of it.

Mind you saying that I see blogs all the time where the contents shouldn't be allowed to remain yet nothing is done. But knowing my luck, the moment I mentioned what I do or where I worked I'd get a call from HR and be looking for a job shortly afterwards.

And much as my job can be a pain in the ass, I need it to pay the bills, to support my family. But I will say that a series of events (some my own doing, the vast majority not) over the past 12 months have lead to high levels of constant stress. This stress was the foundation that other parts of my life built upon.

Home life is difficult at times as well. Life had thrown my family a few major curveballs and although the family is stronger than I can remember, the struggles sap the energy from you. And its this energy that allows you to keep on the sane side of the road, when energy if low you slow drift into a darker recesses of your mind. Its not a good place to go.

_______________________________

Today is a tough day. I can feel the knot in my stomach. I can feel the stress pressing down on me. It is not an ordinary day - but its one I should be able to cope with.

I have a meeting this afternoon which should be fairly full-on. I could do without it, but I have no choice but to attend. It starts at 2.30pm and I have five and a hour hours before it starts. 

At 8am this morning I had to take Tuvok back to the vet. Although her operation went well four and a half weeks ago, a pocket of flesh has formed which has stopped the injury healing correctly. The cavity fills with liquid every few days and draining it hasnt worked. After a couple of weeks of trying, the vet decided that we need to go back in to put in some internal stitches. Unfortunately this will mean more external stitches as well, more Elizabethan Collars, more confinement. 

Dropping Tuvok off this morning, she wasnt a happy dog. She is never not happy. But she knew. I know that currently I have a sad dog at the vets, and another dog howling for her sister at home. My current frailties are such that this isnt a good place for me. I want to be at home with one dog ready to collect the other as soon as she is ready to be picked up. Not being able to drives me mad, but I just have to cope.

_________________________

In light of everything else, WoW has taken a backseat recently. Not only for myslef but also for Cat. Without discussing it formally we both cut back our WoW time and immersed ourselves in Minecraft. The reasons were many, but for Cat the pressures of GM have added to an already pressured life and she needed a break.

Being a GM is not all homage and decrees. Its bloody hard work, and not something I would take upon myself. When Cat logs into WoW she gets screens worth of whispers, and pages of mails. It seems to me like a job - and for me the voicemails, e-mails and "can I just a minute?" moments are best left in my office. I couldn't handle having to face it at WoW too.

But Cat has taken that role, and has formed a guild where the members are happy, or so it seems.

But for two weeks Cat and I have been intermittent at best. I've been on more than her, doing my gold thing, but Cat has hardly stepped foot in Azeroth, bar a few evenings raids on occasion.

It seems that in our absence, things have drifted, which resulted in three senior members of the guild requesting taking toons out of MTRs to be able to raid with them elsewhere. Cat was more magnanimous that I was and they left with her blessing. All three went to another guild to be able to do 10/25 man content.

Part of the reasoning is that MTRs is struggling with 10 man content. We are 6/12 and not moving forward very fast - we dont have a core team of 15 which seems necessary for 10 man content. There is always someone not available - which leads to new people coming in. This means more fight explanations, which leads to longer runs to new content. Regulars got frustrated, and left on toons to find better teams to run with

I can understand the frustration, but I also don't. I'm part of those regulars - and I don't feel the need to take the easy route out. I will continue to smash my head against the wall with newer, less experienced people - remembering that these are people I want to raid with. For me progression and loot is not important compared to people.

The day after the three left, Cat and I logged in to find a fourth person had left too. To the same guild. It wasnt a surprise but when Cat got a mail that said "Leaving to raid" I saw red. That particular player was one of the reasons we didnt have a core 10 to doing 10-man content. She rarely showed up, and if she had been regular we would have progressed quicker.

Meanwhile during the same time, two other senior members of the guild returned from a holiday to walk into the middle of the mayhem. However their reaction was different - they filled the calendar with events. They did exactly what was needed to make Cat realise what she has been missing. They acted as a senior member of the guild should act and that mean a huge amount to both Cat and myself.

They acted like officers - they saw what the guild needed and did something about it. In light of this Cat and I decided that the position of veterans/officers needed to be reviewed and all vets were demoted. The position of officer was created and job roles were associated with the position.

The three who took toons were demoted from Veterans, with the opportunity to take up the challenges of being an officer. The role isn't arduous, recruiting, organising events etc.

_________________________________

Last night I had a chat with the three seniors that took toons out about this - it didnt go particularly well. I was not surprised when one of them had gquit on all his toons about 30 seconds after I logged off last night.

I hadnt said much three days previously when the asked to leave - I felt betrayed, hurt. But that, in part, are down to my health issues kicking in. 

Realistically they pay the money and they play as they want. I'm not their keeper, but I am hurt. But as I said I do understand their need to go play other aspects of the game. All left extremely well geared toons in MTRs and its intended that they would all continue to raid with us. I guess that may not be true for at least one of the three now, but we'll see.

Perhaps I should have not said anything, but therapy is funny that way. I have been learning to let things go, and be selective about when to speak up. I considered just being a grumpy bastard over it and not say anything, but this felt important enough that I decided I want to say my piece. I could tell that it didnt go down overly well with any of them.

Would I take it back? Nope. Comments were thrown that the decision was pathetic, that I couldnt question their loyalty to MTRs over the years. The latter point is true. But the new officer position is more about action than sentiment. People either rise to the challenge or they don't. Its a choice.

_____________________________

Should I have be up front about being unwell prior to taking the break? Again probably - but mental health issues dont work that way, you retreat and lick your wounds, recovering from the injuries. Once you are a little better, only then do you have the strength to talk and be honest. That's the next phase in the recovery process.

And as I continue my journey to a stronger more resilient Breevok, I see More Than Raids moving forward as well. Nothings changed with the ethos of the guild, it is still a social raiding guild where people come first. If that isn't what a person is looking for in a guild then we aren't the guild for them.

And where would an MMO be without drama? MTRs has had a history of blips - this blog is full of them, as is Cat's now retired one. I stand by the fact I wish people hadn't felt the need to leave, because I honestly think that with a small concerted effort from all the veterans we could have formed a group which could have achieved. I am as guilty for dropping the balls on that one, but, as with all aspects of my life, focus is returning and we will be stronger at the end of it.

_______________________________

 

So that's where I've been. It's a shame that an absence to avoid drama had created new dramas to deal with, but c'est la vie. Perhaps more people will leave, perhaps the guild won't survive. Perhaps I'll retreat into my world of cubes and never return. Perhaps perhaps perhaps....

I cannot see into the future but perhaps my WoW days are finite in number. Perhaps the rapidly approaching gold cap (broke 900k last night) is just a doorway to nothingness in the game for me. I just don't know.

But I hope not. People are the reason I play WoW. Progression is nice, as is gear and gold, but they are just pixels. The people behind the keyboard are the important part of WoW - and that will always be my priority.