NSFW.
Sometimes life is just a bitch. You proceed along with your everyday life thinking that everything is toddling along just fine, then in the space of a few seconds you find yourself flat on your ass, wondering what the fuck just kneed you in a bollocks.
I just got news that a friend of mine just past away. I know nothing of the details, just that he died at home last night for reasons yet to be determined.
Now let's get this in perspective - I am 37, he's in his early 50s. He wasn't an old man, he just died out of the blue.
I got to my office this morning to find several phone messages - all saying nothing more that 'call me'. You always know there is bad news when you get those messages, especially from people you've not heard from for months.
Then when you hear the news, your head just goes into a tailspin. What the fuck happened? How's their partner? When? Where? Then why... that's always the kicker. The question that eats away at you.
This is a very well respected and loved member of the community I was once in the middle of, but that I am now on the periphery. Yet still I feel the pain of losing a friend I haven't seen for months, the regret that I didn't see him more recently.
Three years ago I lost my best friend Scott, out of the blue as well. He was 31. Again at home, from a pre-existing condition that no-one knew about. He was in Scotland and I was in New Zealand - I didn't make it back to the UK for the funeral - something I still regret to this day. That time I heard about it by text message - a message received just after New Year from Scott's mobile.
A message you expect to say 'Happy New Year' or something similar, was read in bed just after waking up on January 3rd. Thank God that Kat was there, as I was a fucking mess for weeks. Especially when weeks later I found out that I'd hurt him terribly when I emigrated to New Zealand. This kind of guilt haunts you forever.
So this post is a tribute to all those I've lost, especially today to the man who considered me a friend, even though I probably was deemed 'not cool' enough by many of his circle of friends and associates. I will have a drink to toast your memory tonight.
Sometimes life is just a bitch. You proceed along with your everyday life thinking that everything is toddling along just fine, then in the space of a few seconds you find yourself flat on your ass, wondering what the fuck just kneed you in a bollocks.
I just got news that a friend of mine just past away. I know nothing of the details, just that he died at home last night for reasons yet to be determined.
Now let's get this in perspective - I am 37, he's in his early 50s. He wasn't an old man, he just died out of the blue.
I got to my office this morning to find several phone messages - all saying nothing more that 'call me'. You always know there is bad news when you get those messages, especially from people you've not heard from for months.
Then when you hear the news, your head just goes into a tailspin. What the fuck happened? How's their partner? When? Where? Then why... that's always the kicker. The question that eats away at you.
This is a very well respected and loved member of the community I was once in the middle of, but that I am now on the periphery. Yet still I feel the pain of losing a friend I haven't seen for months, the regret that I didn't see him more recently.
________________________
Three years ago I lost my best friend Scott, out of the blue as well. He was 31. Again at home, from a pre-existing condition that no-one knew about. He was in Scotland and I was in New Zealand - I didn't make it back to the UK for the funeral - something I still regret to this day. That time I heard about it by text message - a message received just after New Year from Scott's mobile.
A message you expect to say 'Happy New Year' or something similar, was read in bed just after waking up on January 3rd. Thank God that Kat was there, as I was a fucking mess for weeks. Especially when weeks later I found out that I'd hurt him terribly when I emigrated to New Zealand. This kind of guilt haunts you forever.
Events trigger memories - and today's news has me fucked up again. I know it's grief, but losing my friend today brings back Scott, and other intense moments of grief from my past.
_______________________
So this post is a tribute to all those I've lost, especially today to the man who considered me a friend, even though I probably was deemed 'not cool' enough by many of his circle of friends and associates. I will have a drink to toast your memory tonight.
4 comments:
Damn man take care, I read your blog often from the states.
I'm so sorry for your lost.
Damn that sucks. 50 is not old. I've had a cousin die a couple of years back and he was less than 50 and another cousin who died at the age of 5 a long time ago. All out of the blue. Turns your world inside out when it happens.
Grief comes and goes like a wave on the ocean. One day it's a calm sea and the next you have a tidal wave of emotion. I am sorry to hear about your loss and wish you the best.
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